Surprisingly A Coward, I Am...

I was at my favorite organic shop, had just finished my special Saturday rosemarie roasted chicken and a glass of iced cafe latter and stare heavily to the blue sky outside.
I am trying my best to finish my thesis. This thing have been going through a hate relationship with me for the past one year and i have decided to love him sincerely this month by making him my 2014 resolution: FINISHING IT AND GET MY MASTER DEGREE!

My head is pounding, my brain is simply drained. My heart is persevere that i have to finish it for the sake of my parents and my future. But the blue sky is way more tempting than the glowing shining of my laptop screen with thousands of words filling it in.

The moving clouds is way more interesting to be followed by my eyes than the line-up words waiting to be understood by my brain on that piece of paperbook leaves.

I hoped it was a situation like "Anything but this, PLEASE!!" but it's not.

It was simply a situation when I play this one game that i get addicted of until the point where it got complicated, tried many times to solve out the codes and move up to the next level but it just takes to much times that i gave up and choose to download a new game, playing it from the beginning, moving up the game level and when it gets complicated, I uninstalled it from my smartphone and seek on the new one again and plays it, it gets difficult, i can't stand it, i get bored, i uninstall it, and there goes the same cycle.

That pictures of me were projected on the sky, scene by scene and very very vivid. It shook me so hard that i realized i treat my thesis like a game and IT'S NOT EVEN A GAME!.

I also realized this side of me who always backing off myself from a potentially romantic related guy when things get complicated with him. I always ends-up withdrawing myself with all kind of reasons which I think i made it up just because i am actually freak of the idea of being involved deeply romantically with someone. Now that i think of this, maybe i should've been holding on to him a little bit longer and stronger...

BUT MY THESIS AIN'T NO MAN nor a woman if i were homosexual. It's like this thing that won't be finish if i don't try to make it. It's like a relationship that will never succeed if i don't put efforts to make it succeed.

And that freaks me off. Many times.

I am ashamed of myself now. Seriously. People are saying that i am such a brave person. But it turns out that i am just a coward.

Shit...now people who are afraid of bugs, ghosts or even cockroach seems to be a lot braver than myself. At least they have a vivid form of what they are afraid of. Me? Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of judgement. Things that cannot be explained simply by one single words of why you fear it.

A: What are you afraid of from a ghost?
B: It's scary.
C: It might kill me

or

A: What are you afraid of from snake?
B: Dude, it has poison in its teeth. We might die from it!

That dialogue seems simple and easy to comprehend with.

But my fear??

A: Why do you have such fear of success?
B: I dunno... what do you think?
C: Maybe because it comes with responsibility, you know, like the spiderman's uncle said "with great power comes great responsibility"

Yeah right, with great power comes great responsibility my ass...
It was a lot easier to be said to a superhero character of a movie than an ordinary person like i am.

See, i am writing this not because i hate my thesis. No, please don't get me wrong.

It is because i am disappointed of myself that i've come this far to find out that i am actually a coward.

How can not you be mad at yourself if you were in my situation?

Oh God... caffeine and lack of sleep does deprived your sanity away. I shall rest my eyes.