The Life Is Simple yet Complicated Agony

Confusius once said 'Life is simple, it's us who make it complicated"
Guess what? The man is Goddamn right. For most of the time we, human, always try to create a gray area, the in between black and white area. At one time simply because we don't want to lose both the essence of black and white.
We struggle to find a middle way between black and white out of fear of losing.
We don't want to completely lose what our left hand holds nor do we want to lose what our right hand holds.
Thus making us thinking very hard, complicating things,in justification of looking for the best solution but still doesn't want to lose anything.
Controlled by the fear and desire, we forget that we are losing something more important in life. Time and momentum. Two things that none of in this world can make them both comeback again because God forbid, if time traveler machine does exist, world is definitely at its end.
So why does we tend to make life complicated?

The answer lies inside of our self. I can just point out whatever I feel it would match for the reason, but that would be my own reflection of my own experience when I complicated life by entering the gray area.
It's when I forgot asking myself "What do you really want?"
It's when  I forgot asking myself "What makes you happy?"
It's when I forgot asking myself "How do you really feel about it?"
It's when I forgot asking myself "Why is your fear controlling you?"
Most of the time it's because I am to afraid of letting myself talk to myself and ask myself the one million dollar question "Which hands will make you happy, which hands will make you sad, which hands will make other happy and which hands will make other sad"
And when I am not ready to deal with the real answer because I am not ready to let myself be happy, or let myself be sad or let other be happy or let other be sad, then I will try so hard struggling to find a way, not choosing the black or white, the right or left hand, so that I can be happy, others can be happy.
After that, I am good...for awhile until the vicious cycle comes back to me again. And so I have lost the time and momentum of choosing from the beginning whether it's black or white.

Wait a moment....

Did you just realize that I have just complicated what supposed to be a simple writing?

Now you see my point?

Love
Dee

Repost from Thought Catalog: Instead of Loving Someone You "Don't" Want To Be With

Below is a re-post from Thought Catalog  (http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-you-can-do-instead-of-loving-someone-you-cant-be-with/) but instead of using the original title on my blog page, I change it into the title that I love.

Why did I change it? Wait... let me think....

Ah... maybe because for me when it comes about love, it's not a matter of whether you can't be with your loved one but it's the matter of not wanting to try hard enough to be with your loved one. 

It's not a matter of not having the capabilities of being with your loved one, but it's the matter of actually, if you dare to admitted, you don't really love your loved one that strong enough. 

 At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what your excuses are for the "can't be with you" love story. It's just that you love your loved one, but you have stopped wanting to be with your loved one, yourself. 

 So, when you eventually decide that you can't (read: don't want to) be with your loved one, always remember it was started by yourself, ended by yourself and shall be started again by yourself... 

 

Now, enjoy the re-post...

 

Love

dee

      

What You Can Do Instead Of Loving Someone You Can’t Be With

Jul. 10, 2012

By Stephanie Georgopulos

Instead of loving someone you can’t be with, fictionalize them. Reimagine your encounters as dreams: the kind you wake up from, shake off, disregard; not the kind you journal, analyze, relay relentlessly to bored friends. Treat them like the subject of a poem that tickles you in the chest cavity but only very slightly, a poem you copy paste publish on the internet and forget about soon as you read something else worthwhile, something that moves you to repeat the process like you’ve never read poetry before. Think of them the way you remember characters from books you haven’t read in a while; fondly but vaguely and all smudged ’round the edges.

You can fill your days with hobbies, god knows unrequited love swallows free time like it’s air. Why not begin running, learn to get away, and fast. Or you could read a few novels, is there a more efficient way to stack your life with characters who will eventually leave? Because that seems to be the type that attracts you, the ones you know will end before they begin. You can knit, keep your fingers busy and away from the phone and away from that soft patch of skin you like to hold when you’re alone, to remember. You can finally learn to swim, because it’s summertime and there’s nothing else to do and you’re so good at holding your breath, anyway.

Remind yourself that you are other things besides in love and hopeless and sort of sad in the saddest way possible like, you are also a friend or a son daughter or an employee student and also a thinker, a doer, a person who lives and has lived before this sad, sad mess came to pass. Think about when you were a five-year-old on a beach somewhere collecting shells and digging moats and chasing strangers through the sand because you were about the same height and had the same castle-building interests and wore almost-matching swimsuits. Remember when you were a 10-year-old who wore smiling faces on t-shirts and backpacks and scrunchies and when you were a 13-year-old who was ashamed for having done so. Remember when you were 17 and began to form a soft casing around your stomach that spoke to your affinity for beer, remember when you turned 21 and spent the night spinning and drinking and kissing the best friends you’ll ever have. Remember whatever age you were the first time you had your heart broken and how the pain felt endless until it ended and then it was like you’d imagined it all, a fever dream of a romance. Uncountable things to define who you are, and the only one you toil over is the one you’re not permitted to have you silly, silly…

Go be silly with someone else and maybe you won’t love them, but maybe you will. Maybe you’ll see-saw between having everything and nothing to say to one another until you’re wearing each other’s weight and finding yourselves somewhere in the middle. Maybe in a rush of words they’ll say something arbitrary that for some reason makes your stomach smile, you know, tickles you in ways that a copy paste publish poem can’t. Maybe you’re unsure because you’ve already invested your thoughts and feelings elsewhere without yielding any profit or interest; maybe you feel safer holding on to what’s already failed because that failure is familiar and comfortable and you wear it so well. But maybe — and this is just another suggestion — maybe you can try again, instead of loving someone you can’t be with.

Kamu Mencari Apa Sebenarnya?

Lucu adalah ketika aku mempertanyakan hal yang mungkin ingin kau tanyakan padaku sejak lama namun seperti ada tembok yang menghalangi.
Entah itu rasa segan ataukah rasa takut karena tidak siap dengan jawaban yang mungkin keluar dari mulut ini.

Aku ingin sekali bertanya padamu, "Apa yang sebenarnya kau cari?"
Kau mungkin bingung dengan pertanyaan itu dan malah balik bertanya "Maksudmu?"
Lalu aku pun akan kehabisan kata-kata, bingung bagaimana ingin menjelaskan bahwa yang aku maksud adalah

"Siapa sebenarnya yang kau cari? Orang seperti apa yang sebenarnya bisa membuat hatimu mau luluh? Apakah aku memiliki kemungkinan untuk menjadi orang tersebut? Orang yang akan kau rindukan sebanyak kau merindukan tempat yang kau sebut rumah itu..."

Siang ini, aku baru tahu bahwa ada yang memintamu untuk menjadi rumahnya. Tapi sepertinya kau menolak permintaan tersebut.

Padaku, kau membahasakannya bukan sebagai 'penolakan'. Namun lebih mudah bagiku untuk memahaminya sebagai 'penolakan', hanya karena aku tidak ingin berharap padamu dan membuatku menjadi makhluk paling egois yang selalu berdoa agar kau bisa memenuhi pengharapanku.

Padahal disaat yang bersamaan, aku tidak ingin hidup dalam pengharapan orang lain...

Lalu, kenapa kau menolaknya juga?

Aku bisa memahami pembahasaan mu akan perbedaan kita yang mempersulit sebagai penolakan mu. Namun, mengapa dia, kau tolak juga?

Kalian sama! Harusnya kau bisa dengannya. Tapi mengapa tidak?

Aku selalu takut kau akan menemukan rumahmu lebih dulu. Aku selalu benci pada bayangan-bayanganku yang mendahulukan kebahagiaanmu menemukan sebuah rumah dan itu bukan aku.

Tapi, mengapa kau menolak seseorang yang bisa dengan mudah menjadi rumah mu? sama seperti rumah yang selalu engkau rindukan...yang berisi keluargamu...berisi orangtua mu...orang-orang yang paling kau kasihi.

Ah... lupakan saja... Aku ini menyedihkan... Aku mencari harapan dalam pertanyaan "mengapa"

Aku mencari sebongkah pernyataan dari dirimu yang tidak pernah aku dapatkan secara gamblang...

Bahwa sebenarnya aku bisa menjadi rumah mu... bahwa sebenarnya aku adalah orang itu...

Pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang masih ku munculkan kepada mu... itulah wujud pengharapan-pengharapan kecil ku...

Pengharapan kecil yang masih aku miliki atas dirimu dan belum bisa aku lepaskan...

Atau mungkin lebih tepatnya belum mau aku lepaskan? Karena aku masih mendambakan dirimu sebagai rumah ku...

Ambiguity

The reason why I keep you just in my heart is because I am not sure if I am ready to take responsible of you.
The reason why I keep you to myself is because you are so delicate that I am afraid I will hurt you...
The reason why I keep you distance is because I am afraid that if you are too close, I am afraid that there will come the time when you want to stay away from me but I just can not let you go.
The reason why I keep an invisible wall between us is because I am afraid that when things get really hard with me, I will just drag you into misery.
The reason why I keep you standing there alone is because you seems okay on your own.

But, my selfish me has put you in the unfair place. I said it but I never or maybe haven't make it clear on what I want from you.
And you were just there standing not knowing what to do. In my eyes...you are confuse because you too, are trying to find yourself...

I need to trust you, don't I? No.... I guess I need to trust myself first. That I am strong. That despite whatever lies in the future I can be strong.

5 PM: After office hour

Pada dasarnya aku dan kamu adalah berbeda.
Pada dasarnya semua akan terasa lebih mudah kalau kita sama. Tapi kenapa aku malah senang dengan perbedaan kita ya?
Apa karena biasanya orang-orang lebih suka sesuatu yang sama untuk mempermudah hidup mereka? Tapi bukannya setiap orang malah ingin berbeda untuk supaya bisa eksis dan diingat? Lalu kenapa juga kita bersikeras menyamakan ataupun mencari persamaan? aku lebih suka kita yang begini...
Kita yang berbeda. Aku dan kamu. 

Bicara masalah rasa, apa semua harus dibicarakan dan diungkapkan dengan kata-kata? apa harus kita selalu mengikuti apa yang selalu dilakukan oleh orang-orang itu?
Tidak bisakah kita, aku dan kamu, memilih cara sendiri untuk berkomunikasi?
Ah...tapi sepertinya kamu lebih memilih berkomunikasi seperti layaknya orang-orang itu...
Sepertinya kamu lebih memilih sesuatu yang bisa diterima oleh orang-orang itu. Menjadi sama seperti mereka dan menghindari menjadi berbeda.
Dan aku lebih memilih diam ditepian daripada berdiri di tengah-tengah dan tanpa sadar terbawa arus.
Jadi mungkin memang akan lebih mudah kalau kita yang berbeda ini tidak berjalan bersama. Mungkin...
Masalahnya...aku tidak suka jawaban "MUNGKIN" karena ia memberikan jawaban namun tidak yang hakiki.
Aku mau tahu, apa perbedaan ini berujung pada perjalanan lainnya atau pada sebuah jalan buntu lalu kita harus putar balik dan berpisah di dua belokan yang berlawanan arah.
Masalahnya, aku dan kamu berbeda. Itu masalahnya...

A Woman Is A Woman When ...

A woman is a woman when she realize how beautiful she is and she just smile at it.
A woman is a woman when she pleasurely happy if a man opens a door for her and she feels nothing weak about it.
A woman is a woman when she is confident on every decision she made and ready for a pack of risk come together within it.
A woman is a woman when she knows what she wants and with no doubt she stand up, walk or even run to get it instead of sit and wait for it to come.
A woman is a woman when she knows she can be as much as weak and strong as a man can be.
A woman is a woman when she knows she is a woman.

12.00am 17 April 2012

Entah mau diberi judul apa tulisan saya ini... saya sendiri juga tidak tahu... yang jelas, sudah beberapa hari ini saya tergelitik untuk menanyakan hal ini pada seseorang, kalau tidak kepada beberapa orang. Namun saya selalu mengurungkan niat saya itu karena ada ketakutan bahwa orang yang akan saya tanyakan pertanyaan itu nanti malah jadi bingung karena tidak mengerti maksud pertanyaan saya.... Jadi, alih-alih saya tanyakan langsung pada seseorang, saya tuangkan saja dalam tulisan ini supaya rasa sesak didada ini menjadi sedikit lebih ringan.

Pernahkah, anda, kamu, kalian merasa ingin memiliki sesuatu atau seseorang walaupun sudah diketahui "ketidaksempurnaan"-nya?  masih tetap merasa ketertarikan terhadap sesuatu atau seseorang walaupun tahu perjuangannya susah dan sebenarnya bisa dapetin hal lain dengan usaha yang cuma setengah, tapi maunya tetap itu, sesuatu atau seseorang, yang perjuangannya mesti sepenuh hati sepenuh tenaga?

Saya pernah. Dan ini baru sekali ini saya merasakannya. Saat ini. 

Tidak usah diperjelas apakah itu sesuatu atau seseorang. Biarkan saja berada di daerah abu-abu. Yang jelas, entah kenapa ketika saya semakin mengikhlaskannya, saya makin merasa ketertarikan terhadap itu atau dia. Semakin saya tahu "ketidaksempurnaan"nya saya malah semakin jatuh, hanyut. Hampir mabuk mungkin. Kalau saja ada kata-kata yang bisa saya gunakan untuk memperhalus maknanya sehingga saya tidak terkesan berlebihan.

Kalau ada yang pernah merasakannya... Pernahkah anda, kamu, kalian mencoba untuk mengontrolnya? Atau mungkin saya ganti saja pertanyaannya... Perlukah ini dikontrol?

Agak takut sebenarnya...

takut ternyata ada satu sisi dari diri saya yang ternyata ada tapi belum pernah saya temui sebelumnya....

takut ternyata satu sisi itu malah tidak saya sukai...

atau malah saya takut ternyata satu sisi itu tidak saya sukai...

atau, takut karena sisi itu ternyata bisa membuat dunia saya terbalik 180 derajat...

Jadi... adakah yang pernah merasakan hal seperti yang saya gambarkan diatas, terhadap sesuatu ataupun seseorang?